Although the weather is frequently dull and dreary, the last nine weeks of the year have always been a fun and festive season of celebration for me: the trick and treating of Halloween (10/31); election day (depending on the outcome); our Wedding Anniversary (11/5- we were blessed with fifty-six); our granddaughters’ birthdays–Helen (11/24) and Claire (12/1); my birthday (12/14); MY belovED’s birthday (12/31); and of course Thanksgiving and Christmas with all the planning, preparing and partying they entail.
Now, however, the gaiety has been overshadowed by grief. Anniversaries have been added: in 2016 Ed had a stroke on 10/28 and was hospitalized until 10/31; he went to a follow-up doctors appointment on 12/8, and the prognosis for his recovery was, “It’s in God’s hands;” he passed away shortly after 4 am the next day; and his memorial service was on 12/23 (the same day of my father’s funeral mass and internment in 1958). This year Ed’s sister Mary passed away on 11/30 after a year long battle with multiple issues. Sad moments and memories interspersed with the glad.
The energy spent to keep up a positive masquerade is an exhausting distraction from the sorrow that lurks beneath the surface and fills my soul; yet all the on-line shopping, gift giving (even to myself), carol singing, jingle belling, cookie baking, egg-nogging, tree trimming. card sending, overeating and myriad other means and methods of holiday merry making cannot fill the void left by the loss of My belovED.
There seems to be a battle between my brain and my heart. It was described so accurately in a poem written by Frank Jung, a member of the bereavement support group I attend. He said, “The brain and heart are not far apart, anatomically speaking of course; just 18 inches from one to the other, but which is the prevailing force?” He goes on to tell of the battle: the heart deals with compassion and feelings, the brain with facts and reality. The heart says to the brain, “You are moving like a train and do not stay to feels the pain;” while the brain replies, “In my defense, I only deal in common sense and do not condone false pretense.” Each accuses the other of reacting out of guilt and fear.
I can attest to that conflict. I have put on a happy face and forged ahead to do what my mind says I should do (in fact I wrote an anthem on going Ever onwarD); but my heart reminds me that feelings and memories are not to be ignored or suppressed, but rather to be acknowledged and addressed. So in this season of Advent, the time of preparation for Christmas, I will take each day as it comes, accept the loss and deal with the darkness, while appreciating the blessings and joys of the season and anticipating the light to come.
May beautiful moments and happy memories surround you this Christmas
LovEstelle
I will not be sending posts the next two weeks and will resume in the New Year with a Happy Announcement.
To read previous Blogs and preview works in progress visit my website at www.LovEstelle.com
Estelle,
Just prior to reading you wonderful December missive, I saw an article in NCR by columnist Michael Leach from his “Soul Seeing” repertoire. It’s a biweekly column about seeing God, the world and ourselves with the eye of the soul. Leach says “It’s not about changing the world, but changing the way we see the world. Each column is about the beauty that hides behind appearances and the peace that is beyond all understanding”.
I see a lot of commonality in your writing and in his. We can no longer see Ed, but we can still sense the presence of his soul in our lives.
I look forward to your next post and wish you a very soulfully comforting Christmas.
Jim, Thank you for the beautiful sentiment expressed in your message and also for telling me about Michael Leach and “Soul Seeing.” I will look into it. All best wishes to you, Rose and your family during the holiday season and continuing through the New Year. LovEstelle
Oh, Estelle. 50 years ago tomorrow, Dec. 13, 1968, Skip and I moved into our house on 4 Wiltshire Drive. There were your two lovely children, Edward and Stephanie, climbing on the mounds of dirt piled in our front yard. Edward asked if he and his sister could play in the dirt. What a wonderful beginning to our friendship of over 50 years.
We will never forget you coming to our aid when our son, Bud, was in the hospital with croup. You came over at midnight; dressed, hair in place with a book in your hand, and said however long it takes for you to stay in the hospital, I will be watching over Cindy.
Have a lovely Christmas with your family.
I have a list of quotes that Daddy wrote down from a radio show he listened to.. I’ll have to find it and send it to you. One of the quotes was only positive thought, never negative thoughts. When you are missing Ed think of all the many blessings you shared. Make a list of them and when you catch yourself feeling blue pull it out and pick one and remember the good times. Loved ones in our life are only a temporary gift. Be thankful for all you shared and the blessings of the loved ones in your life now.
I had a thought about “Lives cut short”. There is a saying that if you want to make God laugh, I mean a good belly laugh, tell him what your plans are. There are no lives cut short only those that God wanted with Him before we thought it was time. I see it every day in the course of my work. Anyway, I love you sis, and Happy Birthday. I’m mailing your card today. Jean bought it last week and, well you know me. Always enjoy your blogs.
Thank you!
It has been a challenging time with uncertainty of cancer and my 90th birthday celebration coming up this Saturday adding more stress of invitations, details and more.
But love has permeated the air. My fellow Knights of Columbus have joined in to make it a memorable Mass and celebration.
God has been good!
John
Hi, Estelle
First “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”. I use the word “Happy” reluctantly and respectfully; I am saddened by your loss. I believe I Do know how you feel as I am struggling with the loss of My Mary each and every day
Thank you very much for including excerpts from my poem “The Brain and the Heart” in your blog; I was happy to be included.
Grieving becomes especially difficult during holidays and your blog accurately described the sometimes unbearable difficulties of trying to cope.
Thank you.